Narcissist, there’s one near you…

…or, is it you?

Everyone one of us has a potential narcissist inside of us. We all have our selfish side. Some people, however, embrace that side of themselves fully. They do not care who they hurt as they go about their lives trying to be the center of attention. I, myself, allow more of my narcissistic side out than I like to admit. I also have key people in my life that are full blown narcissists but, of course, they’ll never admit it, which is why they are no longer an active part of my life. And that hurts, however, it is for my own safety, because I take on too much of what is going on around me. And I fall into that pit too easily.

I just watched a friend of mine go through a whirlwind relationship with someone like that. It wasn’t fun or pretty. Sure it had it’s good moments because a narcissist knows how to pull people in and make them feel good for a bit, but only as long as it makes themselves look good and they are the center of attention, or hero if you will. They believe their own lies so much that when confronted with the brutal truth of reality (when they get caught in their lies) they become defensive, aggressive or fall completely apart and play the victim. I know this from real life experience…from both sides. It is not a proud moment when you accept that you are the narcissist and that you have hurt others like you have been hurt. The difference between a full blown narcissist and myself is that I CAN admit it. I CAN see this trait in myself. I CAN admit my faults and behavior while they do not, will not, see anything wrong in what they do or how they treat others.

So, while I’m thankful for that, it does NOT excuse my actions. However, it DOES give me hope that I am a better person than I believe myself to be. That I can choose to be different from them. And for THAT…I am truly grateful.

Where to begin…?

I’ve tried to start writing a blog a few times before. I have one for my poems, one where my focus is trying to be as positive as possible and another that is kind of an eclectic mixture of different things.  I am a writer at heart. I love words. I love to handwrite things. I love to encourage other people. Sadly, my spoken words are not always what I was thinking in my head. Something just seems to always get lost between my mind and my mouth. (Anyone else have THAT problem??)

The reason I chose to do one about my ‘battle scars’ is because I’m hoping that I will be able to work through some bad habits that I have that involve the ‘self-speak’ I use. You know, those thoughts we have about ourselves? I know I am not the only who thinks badly of themselves. Anyone with an eating disorder can tell you that. You don’t start starving, binging & purging or cutting yourself if you are comfortable in your skin and if you like yourself.

My core personality was formed in my youth. I may or may not go into further details on that in the future. I have to do some serious thinking before I can make that decision as I am sure there are some people that will be hurt or angry by me telling those stories and I’m not sure if I am up for dealing with that fallout right now. So, in the meantime, I will do my best to make sure my stories are understandable enough without having access to those back stories.

As of this publishing, I am 48 years old. I have been with my husband for the most part of 28 years and we’ve been married 22. I am the mother of 2 children and have 3 grandsons with one more on the way. Unfortunately, I only get to see 2 of them at the moment and don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. (Watch for a separate post on that at another time.) My husband, daughter and I run our custom automotive shop together (well, THEY run it mostly with a little help from me. Yep, you guessed it…another story for another post. I’m sensing a trend here.) We just moved into a new rental home this month and are seriously considering buying the house just so we NEVER HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN! Haha!

All in all, while we are under a lot of stress, we’re still doing so much better than so many people and I feel truly guilty and shameful for whining about my issues. However, my ‘issues’ have caused a lot of our stress to begin with and I do not want to spend the rest of my life on the same damned hamster wheel I’ve been running in thus far. So, here I am, ready to share my mess with whomever chooses to read it, but mostly just for myself so I can look at my life in written words I am so fond of. Maybe, by reading my mess I’ll be able to come up with solutions to it. It’s a shot in the dark and since I’ve spent so much time in the dark with my demons maybe I’ll shoot one of them!!

In the coming posts, you will read about narcissism, self-destruction, addictions (not drug or alcohol related), blissful ignorance and the loss of it, loss of loved ones (both ones who have died and ones still living) and much more. I will do my best not to make them all dark, dreary and depressing, however, this blog IS about battle scars so I can’t promise anything. Also, I do have ADD(self-diagnosed) so don’t be surprised if my posts bounce all over creation and back. Also, it’s been too long since I allowed myself the privilege of writing so please bear with me as I find my groove again.

The Battle Within

We all have a story. Or, more accurately, stories. The longer we live, the more stories we accumulate.

Here is where I will tell some of mine. I have good stories. I have bad stories. Some are warped by my own opinion of myself. Some are beautiful, inspite of my attempts to destroy them.

My hopes are that by walking through them here, I will be able to begin a slow healing process. Maybe, by writing them down, I will be able to cut out my self-inflicted battle scars and see myself as my husband, daughter and my friends see me. Because they certainly paint a different picture than the one I see in my head.

I don’t know where this journey will lead me. Right at this moment I’m at a place in my life where I have lost my relationship with God. I’ve been in some deep, dark places inside since I walked away from my Christian beliefs. I do have to say that, lately, I’ve felt pulled to see if that is a path I can find again. With that in mind, please know that this blog will probably bounce in and out of the realm of Christianity.

I will share little pieces of my soul as I try to put it back together. Well, maybe ‘back together’ isn’t the correct description. Sometimes I feel as if my soul has never been whole.

My stories range from pure, shining bliss to deep, dark brokenness. So…yeah…bipolar, I guess. My highs are breathtakingly high and my lows are abysmally low. Over the years, at least the last 28+ years, there has been one constant. One rock. One person who, while not perfect, is perfect for me. You’ll learn more about him as we move forward together. Ha! That is assuming anyone is really reading this.

Real life is rarely all sunshine and roses and pretty, pink ponies. Sometimes…you gotta get dirty.