Sunday service…

So, today I made the choice to visit our church again with my husband. The church just recently moved to a new location so it was all brand new to me. I found it inviting and friendly, but I was not the same I’m afraid. I’ve mentioned before that I no longer walk a path of faith in my life. I’m afraid I’ve lost so much if my belief that God is an active, participating entity in our lives. I have come a long way from where I was when I originally ‘fell from grace’ if you will….for there was a period of almost 2 years when I could not speak the words God or Jesus, I couldn’t read any scripture or listen to Christian music without my head exploding in a cacophony of chaos, my whole body would start shaking and my throat would close like someone was strangling me…until I quit whatever I was doing. So now, I can have a conversation with friends about God, I can hear scripture and not have a meltdown and I can step into a church without fearing a total breakdown.

The place I am right now has nothing to do with my physical church. I posted on Facebook earlier this morning that I was at church and not feeling very comfortable. A couple of friends shared info about their churches thinking that I just wasn’t comfortable at my church. That is why am writing this now because I don’t want to have tell this story over and over as people start asking questions and start inviting me to their churches. The church is not the problem. In actuality, the church was great, even the message was spot on as it pertains to me. The problem is me, me and my demons. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that this path of faithlessness is much harder having known faith than it was before I discovered faith. I miss the passion I had, the desire to serve others, the willingness to go outside my comfort zone to help others find their path. Hell, I can’t even find my own path now, much less help someone else find theirs.

I’m very thankful for my calm, patient and persistent husband as he waited through my mini-meltdown just trying to get ready to go to church. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have even made it out of the house. But he waited, we made it and I didn’t burst into flames when I walked into the building!!! We got to talk to a few people, ones that know my struggle and had no desire to judge me but just to welcome me and appreciate my presence. They didn’t try to save me and I didn’t try to change their faith. We just talked and listened and it was good.

So, just so my friends understand…I am not having a problem with my church, I am having a problem with my faith. Changing churches isn’t going to fix that. And there is a real chance that it will never be ‘fixed. But, since my family loves to quote movies…”until such time as the world stops turning” I will continue trying to find my way…no matter what that way may be. I want to thank everyone who reached out, who asked questions or who just listened and tell you that your interest MEANS something to me and is appreciated. Thank you.

Scars run deep

One of the biggest problems with having been a selfish, self-centered, pathological lying, self-destructive person most of my life is trying to change and communicating with others.

It all starts with little things when you’re young, like kids being mean to you or your parent being verbally abusive to you and you start believing that you aren’t worth anything or that you have nothing good to give anyone and therefore you start building this wall around you. It’s not just a wall to keep people out but it’s also to keep you in. Because it seems to you that everytime you come out you make things worse.

People tell me I write so well and that I should become a professional writer. The problem is that I am a horrible communicator. It feels to me like every time I open my mouth, I screw things up. I’m told it’s because I choose to believe that the whole world is against me so I just take everything the wrong way and twist it into a personal attack against me, but it’s all in my head. That nobody is saying or doing anything to hurt me, that I just take it that way, because I feel I deserve to be treated badly therefore everyone must be treating me badly when in reality everyone is just trying to help me.

Ironically, when I come to the conclusion that they must be right and that I should just keep all my imagined hurts to myself I get told I’m wrong for that too, that I’m just being passive-aggressive by not talking.

Do you ever get the feeling there is no way to be right? Now please understand, I know who I am. I know what I’ve done wrong. I know I’ve made people very close to me feel like they don’t do anything for me or that all they do is treat me bad and I know that I’ve truly not been there for them…ever.

And this is where another conundrum comes in. I DON’T deserve him. He doesn’t deserve my treatment of him. I am NOT worthy of his love or the way he’s taken care of me. He deserves to be happy. And he’s finally starting to see and believe he will never be happy with me. He doesn’t have faith in any changes I make, doesn’t believe they’re real changes or that they’ll last.

Another irony is that if our relationship was even 1/8 what people think it is we’d be doing great. If I was even 1/10 the ‘great person’ people think I am, things would be so different. But it isn’t and I’m not…