How do we communicate?

I constantly find myself in the position that what I say isn’t what I was thinking. I have this huge issue with trying to tell someone how or what I am feeling but it ends up coming out totally wrong.

My solution to this only really makes things worse because I end up just bottling in everything. That eventually leads to a total blowup which not only does not help but pours fuel on an already out of control fire.

Someone once shared a great quote, I wish I could remember who said it but here it is anyway…

“we don’t have the right to tell someone that we did not hurt their feelings” ~ unknown

Basically, just because we did not mean to hurt someone, doesn’t mean we didn’t hurt them. We cannot know what all someone is going through, therefore we cannot know that our words or actions won’t hurt someone else. This means that we need to learn how to acknowledge that while we may not have meant to hurt them, we did and we’re truly sorry for doing so (unless, for some reason, that WAS the intended purpose. Sad, but a true fact). We have to find a way to talk through things like this without making it worse.

I would really like to believe this is a possibility, but somewhere deep inside, I don’t.  Especially where I am concerned. While I can be very good with the written word (as long as it’s just in relation to, say, my poetry or friendly, no deep thought letters or even short stories) I am horrible at in depth communication especially the spoken words! UGH!

These are the times when I feel like everyone around me would be better of if I was living in a cave!


Irrational Fears and God issues

Today I woke up with that pit in my stomach, again. The one that comes from my mind betraying me from the moment consciousness happens. I mean, as soon as I wake up, the irrational begins. Let me walk you through it a bit.

Our lives are inundated with stress. On so many different levels. Business issues. Family issues. Anxiety issues. I could keep going. This morning, my mind began taking away my joy about 2 trips we have scheduled and started injecting irrational fears about them. I woke up in a panic about going. Panic about the travel means. Panic about not being with my dogs. Panic about me ruining the trips. Just stupid, petty, irrational (yes, that’s my word for the day) things. Irrational. That is the overwhelming emotion(?) I awoke too today.

Which is a good segway into my “God issues”. There was a time in my life that I would have prayed my way through these panic attacks and irrational fears. But I no longer have the faith to pray. I am way past angry with God. I am at a place that I do not feel that I can worship a complacent God. I cannot make peace with a God who can sit and watch the horror and evil building in this world and do nothing. I cannot give me heart to a God who allows people to do horrific things…in his name. I get that he gave us free will to choose to follow him or not but to allow evil and hate to be spread in his name? I can no longer give my heart to a God like that. Yeah, I know, we find what we’re looking for and I’m sure there thousands of people who can tell me story after story about hope and love and miracles while thousands more can share stories of hatred and fear and evil. You CANNOT believe in God and not believe in evil. And while God has chosen to allow us the ‘free will’ to choose our path, the enemy has not. Evil has no inclination to allow us free will. Evil has, is and always will push us, pull us, smother us, manipulate us. Darkness is a tangible thing, it’s not just the absence of light.

Sometimes I think that I am a magnet for darkness. Sometimes I feel like I want to absorb as much darkness as possible if it will help someone else. Like I deserve the darkness while others do not. Like it is my purpose in life to be lost in the dark while still trying to help others into the light. All I know right now is that my heart no longer has room in it for God. Whether it will ever open up to him again I’ve no idea. I can only deal with my present reality. Well, ironically, I CAN’T deal with my reality which is why I am always hiding from it.

I’m taking one day at a time and taking tiny, little baby steps to move into a more positive place by doing at least one thing different every day. Emptying one more box at the house. Filing one more piece of paper at the shop. Writing one more blog post trying to get the darkness out of my head.

I woke up today. That makes this a good day.

Just rambling

So, I managed to completely alienate my sister. Unfortunately, I reached out to her during a very bad time mentally for me and just screwed everything up. In my moments of darkness, my immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to cut everyone out of my life, so after quite a few not so nice words between her and I, I deleted her of Facebook and blocked her. After a couple of days, the regret set in, so I unblocked her (yes, I know, this is petty and childish and just one of the MANY reasons I’m going back to counseling for as long as I can). The funny part is that once she realized I had unblocked her, she turned around and blocked me right back. I should have expected it. I am not good for her. She’s had MANY people tell her how toxic I am to her. Hell, I’m pretty toxic to myself. It’s my fault really, I keep going through these moments where I imagine that I can get my crap together and try to have real relationships with people but it always bites me in the butt and hurts them too.

Then, to pour a little more salt into the wound, I went to my nephew’s FB page today and discovered that while I can still see the posts there and even share them, I cannot like any of them or comment on them. Either this happened automatically because she blocked me from her personal page or she went out of her way to make sure I can’t reach her at all because she believes that I would cause some kind of drama on my nephew’s page. But it’s ok. I guess I deserve it. I guess I just wish I would stop going to see if I’m still blocked. It’s my nature though, to seek out as much negativity as possible. It’s kind of like checking my son’s FB page, mostly to see if he is still alive but just to see if he’s said anything else negative about me. Of course, I can only see his public posts since we are not friends on FB but no matter, that’s me, a glutton for punishment.

I wish I could truly put into words how my brain works (or doesn’t work). I wish I could show people the depths of darkness inside that stays hidden, buried away from the the sight of anyone, so that I can pretend to be ok. I think, though, that if anyone really felt the depth of hatred I have for myself they would literally lose their breath. I can barely breathe sometimes because of it. I look around at all the damage I do daily and it simply amazes me that anyone still talks to me at all. But then, I put on a good face for social media. And to be honest, I truly get joy from making others feel better, by encouraging them (well, everyone except my husband that is – another story for another time). I get urges all the time to compliment people, to buy a meal for someone, to send out a note…whatever, just to make someone smile. But only if it’s from a distance. I truly suck at responsibilities. I don’t follow through on commitments, I don’t handle my responsibilities at our business, I can barely make myself clean up after myself much less organize my life into a functioning thing.

You know, I almost wrote my sister a letter today. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that I did it again. I wanted to tell her that I was going to counseling again. I wanted to tell her that I hate that I am not the sister she needs. I wanted to tell her anything that might help her understand why I keep screwing up, but, well…damn, I don’t understand why so how am I supposed to explain it to her? I think it’s time I accepted that that door needs to stay closed. If for no other reason than just to keep my sweet nephew away from ‘unnecessary family drama’. And I am definitely that. That’s how I feel, unnecessary.

Sadly, all these issues are finally starting to breakdown my marriage as well. I mean, my husband is under so much stress and all I do is cause him more stress. I don’t do anything productive or even supportive to help him. I just hurt him, daily. My darkness is too much for him to handle especially since he’s fighting to survive all on his own. We cannot communicate at all. My words just get screwed up from the time they leave my head and make it to my mouth. My anger is constant, just simmering, waiting for just the right moment to boil over and burn anyone near me…and that is usually him.

I hate that I am still saying the same things about myself that I have said for almost 50 years. I hate that I know there is a part of me that really wants to be free to be happy, to be helpful, to be a real wife, a real business partner, a real mother but the dark side of me keeps trying to suffocate her. I hate that the things that caused my separation from my mother and my child are the same things I hate about myself.

I don’t know, maybe my counselor will be able to break down the walls. He managed to see inside my head more than I believed possible in just 2 sessions a year or two ago. That’s why I meeting with him again. To this day I remain in awe at a couple of things he told me after just being around me for 2 hours.

Only time will tell, but I can’t help but feel like I’m running out of time.

Scars run deep

One of the biggest problems with having been a selfish, self-centered, pathological lying, self-destructive person most of my life is trying to change and communicating with others.

It all starts with little things when you’re young, like kids being mean to you or your parent being verbally abusive to you and you start believing that you aren’t worth anything or that you have nothing good to give anyone and therefore you start building this wall around you. It’s not just a wall to keep people out but it’s also to keep you in. Because it seems to you that everytime you come out you make things worse.

People tell me I write so well and that I should become a professional writer. The problem is that I am a horrible communicator. It feels to me like every time I open my mouth, I screw things up. I’m told it’s because I choose to believe that the whole world is against me so I just take everything the wrong way and twist it into a personal attack against me, but it’s all in my head. That nobody is saying or doing anything to hurt me, that I just take it that way, because I feel I deserve to be treated badly therefore everyone must be treating me badly when in reality everyone is just trying to help me.

Ironically, when I come to the conclusion that they must be right and that I should just keep all my imagined hurts to myself I get told I’m wrong for that too, that I’m just being passive-aggressive by not talking.

Do you ever get the feeling there is no way to be right? Now please understand, I know who I am. I know what I’ve done wrong. I know I’ve made people very close to me feel like they don’t do anything for me or that all they do is treat me bad and I know that I’ve truly not been there for them…ever.

And this is where another conundrum comes in. I DON’T deserve him. He doesn’t deserve my treatment of him. I am NOT worthy of his love or the way he’s taken care of me. He deserves to be happy. And he’s finally starting to see and believe he will never be happy with me. He doesn’t have faith in any changes I make, doesn’t believe they’re real changes or that they’ll last.

Another irony is that if our relationship was even 1/8 what people think it is we’d be doing great. If I was even 1/10 the ‘great person’ people think I am, things would be so different. But it isn’t and I’m not…