Today I woke up with that pit in my stomach, again. The one that comes from my mind betraying me from the moment consciousness happens. I mean, as soon as I wake up, the irrational begins. Let me walk you through it a bit.
Our lives are inundated with stress. On so many different levels. Business issues. Family issues. Anxiety issues. I could keep going. This morning, my mind began taking away my joy about 2 trips we have scheduled and started injecting irrational fears about them. I woke up in a panic about going. Panic about the travel means. Panic about not being with my dogs. Panic about me ruining the trips. Just stupid, petty, irrational (yes, that’s my word for the day) things. Irrational. That is the overwhelming emotion(?) I awoke too today.
Which is a good segway into my “God issues”. There was a time in my life that I would have prayed my way through these panic attacks and irrational fears. But I no longer have the faith to pray. I am way past angry with God. I am at a place that I do not feel that I can worship a complacent God. I cannot make peace with a God who can sit and watch the horror and evil building in this world and do nothing. I cannot give me heart to a God who allows people to do horrific things…in his name. I get that he gave us free will to choose to follow him or not but to allow evil and hate to be spread in his name? I can no longer give my heart to a God like that. Yeah, I know, we find what we’re looking for and I’m sure there thousands of people who can tell me story after story about hope and love and miracles while thousands more can share stories of hatred and fear and evil. You CANNOT believe in God and not believe in evil. And while God has chosen to allow us the ‘free will’ to choose our path, the enemy has not. Evil has no inclination to allow us free will. Evil has, is and always will push us, pull us, smother us, manipulate us. Darkness is a tangible thing, it’s not just the absence of light.
Sometimes I think that I am a magnet for darkness. Sometimes I feel like I want to absorb as much darkness as possible if it will help someone else. Like I deserve the darkness while others do not. Like it is my purpose in life to be lost in the dark while still trying to help others into the light. All I know right now is that my heart no longer has room in it for God. Whether it will ever open up to him again I’ve no idea. I can only deal with my present reality. Well, ironically, I CAN’T deal with my reality which is why I am always hiding from it.
I’m taking one day at a time and taking tiny, little baby steps to move into a more positive place by doing at least one thing different every day. Emptying one more box at the house. Filing one more piece of paper at the shop. Writing one more blog post trying to get the darkness out of my head.
I woke up today. That makes this a good day.