Just rambling

So, I managed to completely alienate my sister. Unfortunately, I reached out to her during a very bad time mentally for me and just screwed everything up. In my moments of darkness, my immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to cut everyone out of my life, so after quite a few not so nice words between her and I, I deleted her of Facebook and blocked her. After a couple of days, the regret set in, so I unblocked her (yes, I know, this is petty and childish and just one of the MANY reasons I’m going back to counseling for as long as I can). The funny part is that once she realized I had unblocked her, she turned around and blocked me right back. I should have expected it. I am not good for her. She’s had MANY people tell her how toxic I am to her. Hell, I’m pretty toxic to myself. It’s my fault really, I keep going through these moments where I imagine that I can get my crap together and try to have real relationships with people but it always bites me in the butt and hurts them too.

Then, to pour a little more salt into the wound, I went to my nephew’s FB page today and discovered that while I can still see the posts there and even share them, I cannot like any of them or comment on them. Either this happened automatically because she blocked me from her personal page or she went out of her way to make sure I can’t reach her at all because she believes that I would cause some kind of drama on my nephew’s page. But it’s ok. I guess I deserve it. I guess I just wish I would stop going to see if I’m still blocked. It’s my nature though, to seek out as much negativity as possible. It’s kind of like checking my son’s FB page, mostly to see if he is still alive but just to see if he’s said anything else negative about me. Of course, I can only see his public posts since we are not friends on FB but no matter, that’s me, a glutton for punishment.

I wish I could truly put into words how my brain works (or doesn’t work). I wish I could show people the depths of darkness inside that stays hidden, buried away from the the sight of anyone, so that I can pretend to be ok. I think, though, that if anyone really felt the depth of hatred I have for myself they would literally lose their breath. I can barely breathe sometimes because of it. I look around at all the damage I do daily and it simply amazes me that anyone still talks to me at all. But then, I put on a good face for social media. And to be honest, I truly get joy from making others feel better, by encouraging them (well, everyone except my husband that is – another story for another time). I get urges all the time to compliment people, to buy a meal for someone, to send out a note…whatever, just to make someone smile. But only if it’s from a distance. I truly suck at responsibilities. I don’t follow through on commitments, I don’t handle my responsibilities at our business, I can barely make myself clean up after myself much less organize my life into a functioning thing.

You know, I almost wrote my sister a letter today. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that I did it again. I wanted to tell her that I was going to counseling again. I wanted to tell her that I hate that I am not the sister she needs. I wanted to tell her anything that might help her understand why I keep screwing up, but, well…damn, I don’t understand why so how am I supposed to explain it to her? I think it’s time I accepted that that door needs to stay closed. If for no other reason than just to keep my sweet nephew away from ‘unnecessary family drama’. And I am definitely that. That’s how I feel, unnecessary.

Sadly, all these issues are finally starting to breakdown my marriage as well. I mean, my husband is under so much stress and all I do is cause him more stress. I don’t do anything productive or even supportive to help him. I just hurt him, daily. My darkness is too much for him to handle especially since he’s fighting to survive all on his own. We cannot communicate at all. My words just get screwed up from the time they leave my head and make it to my mouth. My anger is constant, just simmering, waiting for just the right moment to boil over and burn anyone near me…and that is usually him.

I hate that I am still saying the same things about myself that I have said for almost 50 years. I hate that I know there is a part of me that really wants to be free to be happy, to be helpful, to be a real wife, a real business partner, a real mother but the dark side of me keeps trying to suffocate her. I hate that the things that caused my separation from my mother and my child are the same things I hate about myself.

I don’t know, maybe my counselor will be able to break down the walls. He managed to see inside my head more than I believed possible in just 2 sessions a year or two ago. That’s why I meeting with him again. To this day I remain in awe at a couple of things he told me after just being around me for 2 hours.

Only time will tell, but I can’t help but feel like I’m running out of time.

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