One of the biggest problems with having been a selfish, self-centered, pathological lying, self-destructive person most of my life is trying to change and communicating with others.
It all starts with little things when you’re young, like kids being mean to you or your parent being verbally abusive to you and you start believing that you aren’t worth anything or that you have nothing good to give anyone and therefore you start building this wall around you. It’s not just a wall to keep people out but it’s also to keep you in. Because it seems to you that everytime you come out you make things worse.
People tell me I write so well and that I should become a professional writer. The problem is that I am a horrible communicator. It feels to me like every time I open my mouth, I screw things up. I’m told it’s because I choose to believe that the whole world is against me so I just take everything the wrong way and twist it into a personal attack against me, but it’s all in my head. That nobody is saying or doing anything to hurt me, that I just take it that way, because I feel I deserve to be treated badly therefore everyone must be treating me badly when in reality everyone is just trying to help me.
Ironically, when I come to the conclusion that they must be right and that I should just keep all my imagined hurts to myself I get told I’m wrong for that too, that I’m just being passive-aggressive by not talking.
Do you ever get the feeling there is no way to be right? Now please understand, I know who I am. I know what I’ve done wrong. I know I’ve made people very close to me feel like they don’t do anything for me or that all they do is treat me bad and I know that I’ve truly not been there for them…ever.
And this is where another conundrum comes in. I DON’T deserve him. He doesn’t deserve my treatment of him. I am NOT worthy of his love or the way he’s taken care of me. He deserves to be happy. And he’s finally starting to see and believe he will never be happy with me. He doesn’t have faith in any changes I make, doesn’t believe they’re real changes or that they’ll last.
Another irony is that if our relationship was even 1/8 what people think it is we’d be doing great. If I was even 1/10 the ‘great person’ people think I am, things would be so different. But it isn’t and I’m not…