I woke up in a cold sweat this morning at around 4 a.m.
Before I elaborate further I need to say these 2 things; First, I am pretty much writing these blogs with the thought that nobody is reading them. I can’t imagine why anyone would, I mean, they’re pretty much incoherent rants from a broken mind. I write because it helps get the narrative out of my head. Sometimes, I have these thoughts that cycle over and over in my head and they won’t go away until I write them down.
Second, on the off chance there is someone reading this, you should research something called The 5 Love Languages. This explains that every person has a different ‘language’ that they thrive on. The only problem is that our personal love language may not be the same as those close to us. In addition, our love languages can have a nemesis if you will. Let me explain a bit more because it has a lot to do with why I woke up so early and couldn’t go back to sleep.
My main love language is Words of Affirmation. This means that, by nature, positive words fill my ‘love’ tank. It also means that I enjoy sharing words of encouragement and support with others. Well, with others except my family.
I was raised with a lot of negative words growing up. Negative words are dangerous to a person whose love language is Words of Affirmation. They do as much damage, if not more, as the positive words do good. There is a part of me that has taken in all the negative words I have heard and clutches onto them with desperation for the only purpose of using them against myself later. I’m sure I’ll get into this more later, either in this post or another.
Anyway, all of that to explain the title of the post and the affect those words had on me. Those words were used by someone whom I’m 90% sure was using them in relation to me. I mean, it was either me or one other person because they don’t have much family around and no one else who would cause them this level of stress. Doesn’t really matter though, because I’ve taken ownership of those 3 words. I woke up this morning and those 3 words started playing over and over in my head. They are a perfect description of me…in 3 little words. Unnecessary. Family. Drama. I tried to go back to sleep but the narrative in my head kept getting louder and louder until I finally got out of bed and went to take a shower which is when my husband found me crouched on the floor crying because I couldn’t make the words stop. Every negative thing anyone has ever said to me and that I have said to myself just kept circling over and over in my head. This is what happens when a ‘Words of Affirmations’ person gets negative words instead. Maybe not all of us, but those of us with issues with self-esteem and self-loathing hear the negative (even when we use it on ourselves) and cling to them for dear life because they justify our feelings for ourselves. Ironically, a “Words of Affirmations” person who doesn’t like themselves ends up cowering under positive words because we don’t feel worthy of them.
There are people out there who think I’m a good person. But these are people who don’t call me family and don’t have to deal with me on a daily basis. Now, before anyone gets upset about what I just said, please understand I use the terms good/bad person in relation to myself differently than the deeper meanings of those expressions. I’m not a bad person in that I would abuse a child or an animal or break laws. When I say I’m a bad person I mean that because I have emotionally abused those closest to me. I’m a bad person because I am convinced that I am a bad person and that I have nothing to give anyone and so I ‘protect’ myself by keeping everyone at arm’s length. I am constantly doing whatever I can to create a self-fulfilled prophecy that I am not worthy of anyone therefore everyone will leave me eventually, when in reality, it is I who makes them leave because nobody can handle my crazy forever. Everytime I open my mouth to try to make things better, the words that come out just make things worse. I have already lost my mom, my sister and my son…I guess I just keep believing that the rest will be gone soon too, it’s only a matter of time.
However, with all that being said, I sit here now trying to figure out how to work my way through all my issues without alienating anyone else and I’m stumped. I know I am going to need help to get through my chaos and confusion that won’t go away willingly, but there are some things that I’m going to need to face on my own or they will never get better. I’ve got a long, long, LONG painful road ahead towards recovery. For now, I’m just trying to focus on no longer being unnecessary…family drama.