Can we talk?

Well, can you listen? Wait, wait, I’m afraid what you heard was can you HEAR me but what I said was can you LISTEN to me? You see, I’m about to say some pretty brutal, not so nice things about myself and I need you LISTEN to what I say, not just hear it and then try to argue with me or try to fix me. Just. Listen.

“I hate you. I hate you. I. Hate. You.”

This is the soundtrack playing in my head daily. This is the first thing I hear every morning and the last thing I hear at night. This fact is the one thing that let’s me know I’m not narcissistic, because narcissists think they’re a gift to the world. However, it is because of these words that I have destroyed (or am destroying)relationship I’ve ever had. I do not know how to love others because I do not know how to love myself. Right now, honestly, I’d be happy with just not hating myself.

You know what? You don’t have to believe me. I know the truth. I know that I sabotage anything good that comes into my life. I have been given the greatest gift in the world and have spent almost 30 years trying to throw it away. I have made a mess of so many things in my life and then have the audacity to be offended by the results of my actions.

I am not a child of God. I am not a child of anyone. And yet I’m still a spoiled brat little toddler.

I can’t even write anymore without sounding like a pathetic, self-centered jerk. Everything I say (& write) sounds fake.

It’s fight or flight time. But I’m not sure what to fight for first or what I think I would be running from. I don’t know how to fight myself and I can’t run away from myself.

I know there are others out there who are or have been where I am. I know this because I’ve heard it in songs, I’ve read it in books and I’ve seen it in movies.

I wish I believed that I could feel different as much as I WANT, no NEED, to be different. I fight this crazy war in my head daily. Most of the time the dark, angry, bitter part of me is winning but lately there has been this little voice trying to be heard. She tries to tell me that I’m not really a bad person and I laugh at her and simply start listing all the people I’ve hurt and things I’ve done or (not done) and that usually shuts her right up, especially when I dare her to tell me what good I’ve done. Do you hear crickets in the silence? But every now and then she stands her ground and tries to convince me that even if all that is true I can still change. *more laughter here*

Just so you know, I’m writing this woe is me piece with the hopes that someone will tell me I’m wrong. Nobody can tell me I’m wrong. I see the truth in the mirror every day. I’m just writing this because it’s the one way I can get it out of my head. My soul begs to write. Sometimes I even write good stuff. But not right now. Now I just write randomness and confusion, with no real direction. Right now I’m just making new scars.

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