It appears that I may be imploding in on myself and leaving a lot of collateral damage behind. I have let everyone in my life down with my lies, addictions (not the kind you may think), EXCUSES and selfishness. I have caused pain and distrust in the people I love the most. I have hurt the people who have been there for me through everything.
And now, I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve spent so much of my time blaming my issues on others (ugh, I am what I hate the most in others) that I have no solutions to fix it. I don’t know if I can fix it. I need to change. I NEED to change. But it’s very apparent that I don’t WANT to change. I am fighting a battle that I don’t believe can be won. And so I’m heading closer and closer to a self-fulfilled prophecy. One where I end up alone because I either chase everyone away or I quit on them like I have on everything else in my life.
Some battle scars run too deep to heal. And I find myself in a conundrum. How do I make the changes I need to make without the trust or belief of the people who I want to change for? How do I deal with my hurt and anger over their hurt and anger when it is my fault they are hurt and angry? How do I move forward, making changes when my support system is no longer able to support me? I know I cannot change alone. I know I need help. However, I don’t know how to change the most important thing wrong with me. I. Don’t. Like. Myself. I am truly disgusted by who I am and the things I’ve done. I’m hurt over being told that my presence somewhere has really only been allowed to continue in order to protect me from myself and keep me from falling deeper into the dark AND that going out into the ‘world’ hasn’t been an allowable option because I can’t be trusted. So basically, I am a toddler that need to be babysat. Those words just keep ringing in my head. I’m hurt because of them and I hate myself that I made them be said. And I don’t think I can keep living like that. It also begs the question, why does anyone want me around anyway? I can’t be trusted, I don’t really do anything for anyone (other than short little spurts during a crisis), I just hurt and hurt and hurt. It can’t be because of blood because blood doesn’t mean much anymore. I just can’t wrap my mind around WHY they want me around. “I” don’t even want me around.
I was told today that not only am I angry with myself for all my issues, but I’m angry at others for their ability to push themselves through their own issues and to not fall apart like I do. I’m angry at them for making all they do seem so easy.
All this to say that I find myself, yet again, at a familiar crossroad. I need to change. I want to change. Well…I want to want to change. I know I can’t do it alone but don’t know how or where to get help. I know I should turn to my family for help but they’re too busy trying to deal with their stuff and cleaning up my messes. And yet, I’m still supposed to turn to them for help…? I’m so confused. So lost. So hopeless. I am alone…because I have made myself alone. God no longer speaks to me and I am no longer listening for him. So now, I have to figure out how to silence the negative narrative that is constant in my head. For I don’t believe there is any hope for me if I cannot figure out how to stop hating myself.